I have a necklace that used to be one of my favorites. I can’t wear it anymore. I had actually long forgotten it until recently. I finally bought myself a jewelry armoire. It is a giant jewelry box where I can properly store and organize my jewelry. Previously I had every necklace, ring, bracelet, etc. from my entire life shoved into a 6×8 jewelry box that I bought at a garage sale years ago. I only ever wore the top 2 pieces because the rest had become a giant knot of color and texture.

     I rediscovered the necklace when I made sense of my tangled mess of jewelry as I loaded the new box. I got sad all over again that I can’t wear it. I really like the necklace because it is a tiered piece that hangs around my neck at exactly the right length. It has neutral colored metallic bangles and matches pretty much everything in my wardrobe. It used to be perfect. One day, though, by means unknown to me, it became twisted in a way that I can’t figure out. Somehow the tiers got tangled and try as I may I have been unable to fix it. It won’t lay flat anymore.

     For a while now I have been pondering relationships and connections. I think it would be interesting to map the people across my life and consider why in the world I have had some of the connections that I have had. I have a strong “Type A” personality. I like things to be organized and clean. I want things to be useful and have a purpose.  I want to understand the nature of each relationship and I expect consistency for the duration. I like my relationships to be linear, sequential, and full of happiness and growth. Go ahead and laugh out loud. You know you want to. That simply isn’t how life works.

     One of my least favorite things in the world is a tangle. A tangle has a way of stealing every last ounce of joy from me. Tangled hair, tangled yarn when I am crocheting, tangled jewelry, tangled relationships…all joy stealers. Every one of them ruins my preference for the organized and clean. And sometimes, tangles ruin the function of a thing forever, especially with people.

     In my 20’s I had a best friend. We went everywhere together. We had planned to be in each other’s weddings when we found our Prince Charmings, etc.  One day she went off on me for reasons I was never told and never spoke to me again. It was an unexpected, irreparable tangle in the relationship. It had to be cut out. I have pondered that relationship for more than 20 years now. I am certain I will never know what happened. I can also think of several other relationships in my lifetime that were anything but linear, consistent, clean, or organized. Many of those relationships are with members of my own family.

     So the question I ponder is why bother? Why should I ever put actual effort into people? I know going in that more than likely it will be a mess or end in a mess. More than likely I’ll get hurt, whether intentionally or not. I have very few life-long relationships to show for the number of people I have had connections with. I think that is likely true for most people. I just don’t like it. I am forever hunting for a relationship utopia. I refuse to give up on the naive notion of everyone living in harmony. I am a relationship romantic.

     The truth is I have many very complicated relationships. As I have aged I have learned that loving others has to come with a side of understanding. Everyone is different. A person’s expectations and preferences are like their fingerprints. Each one is unique. I am increasingly capable of dealing with a heap of crazy to love on people. Some of my most complicated relationships have been the most rewarding, and some relationships just don’t work out.  Just like the necklace I can’t wear anymore, some people you love for the time you have them and then let them go. I still love the friend from my 20’s. We had lots of really good times. We just aren’t meant to be in each other’s lives. That is okay.

Realistic life is messy. People are all different. They have different strengths, weaknesses and ideas. Strong relationships sometimes require some wrestling and decided discomfort. The tangle has a purpose. The tangle is worth the work. The connection is healthy and invaluable to living a good life, even though sometimes it feels like it’s ruining your life.

Living life in a militant fashion leaves no room for individuality. Don’t get me wrong. I am still a big fan of organization.  But, when it comes to people, we miss out on blessings by getting tangled on things that don’t matter. We miss out on blessings by pushing our own rules. We miss out on blessings because we refuse to give grace to others for their “crazy” while expecting grace from everyone else for our own “crazy”. That is selfish and sad.

     As I carefully worked through my tangled mess of jewelry I was thrilled by what I found. It turns out that I have a very eclectic collection. Now in my armoire and organized, I can see it for what it is and appreciate the individual pieces. I have already worn many that went untouched for years. There were a few damaged beyond repair but on the whole it was all in good shape.

     My challenge to myself and to you is this: Keep your jewelry organized. It is more functional that way. 🙂   As for your people, carefully work the tangle. We are life forms created for community. My mess of people is certainly eclectic. Were I to study them all, I would be able to catalog beautiful and rare qualities. I would realize that what looks like a dysfunctional tangle is really just a living heap of complicated, purposeful connection. It’s better that way. The magic of human connection is in how you look at the mess.