My first “real” job after college was working in a rehab department at a hospital. I had responsibilities in both the inpatient and outpatient areas of the department. The two areas were basically at extreme ends of the hospital. I frequented one particular really long hallway, sometimes several times in one day. The hard part of that for me was that I encountered other people. That hallway took years off my life. The pressure on my extremely introverted self to decide things like ‘do I make eye contact’ and  ‘do I say hello’ nearly killed me. I had to come up with creative ways to deal with that pressure. Through the years I “invented” a couple of things that would have helped me better survive the experience had they been actual inventions. One of them was called the Stealth Suit. The wearer of said suit could get from place to place quickly and undetected. That invention had a tragic flaw. I did actually enjoy the times in the hallway when I was alone so that I could re-calibrate and re-energize for dealing with more people when I got to my destination. Quickness in that situation was a disadvantage. My second “invention” was far more promising. It was called the Invisibubble. One would simply step into and zip up said bubble and float peacefully from place to place without being detected. I could have made millions. But no, I endured that hallway and all of the painful hello-ing and eye contact for years.

Now, 24 years later, I still giggle about that Invisibubble. I have wished many times that I had one. The truth is I have always wanted to be invisible.  Attention feels uncomfortable. I learned young that the best way possible to avoid drawing attention is to be impossibly perfect. I learned to not be the squeaky wheel. I learned to not make waves. I learned to use all of my energy to blend into the wallpaper. That is what is behind the title of this blog: Wallflower Diary. For the majority of my life I have intentionally marginalized myself.

I was talking to a new friend a few days ago. We have known of each other for several years but haven’t connected before now. She said she had always noticed me and wondered about my story. Hearing that was odd for me. It sounds crazy, but because I don’t want attention and take strides to not attract any, somehow I believe I draw no attention. It is silly. I know. That isn’t how life works, but an introvert can dream.

Since May, I have been walking “a new chapter”. The last 5 years of life have been filled with extraordinary amounts of stress. I had gotten to a very unhealthy place physically. The number on the scale doesn’t determine my worth. For me, though, it has always been a dependable measure of how I am overall. I have a new understanding that the more stress I have, the more invisibility I desire.  I don’t intentionally put on layers, but that is what happens when I am dealing with stress. I think if someone wanted to psychoanalyze me they would find that in my mind extra layers equals extra invisibility.

The problem that I have with the extra layers is they make me feel terrible. They make me feel terrible physically; but worse, they make me feel terrible about myself. In May I decided I was sick of feeling terrible about myself. I made some positive changes and the scale is now saying nicer things to me. In fact, the scale is saying things it hasn’t said since my early 20’s. These days the scale is my friend and encourager instead of just an evil, judgemental bathroom appliance.

A handful of people in the last few weeks have noticed the changes in me. They have pulled me aside to tell me they notice. It has been strange. I have felt very visible, very seen. Most of them are people I don’t have a relationship with. They are “hallway” people – people who know my name but not my life. I have had to decide what to do with this sudden feeling of visibility.

The truth is I have never been invisible – despite my best efforts. Neither are you. It doesn’t matter what you look like, believe, or wish to be true. You are seen. You matter. That is a very good thing. This is what I have been telling myself too. I have been trying to intentionally make eye contact and intentionally say hello. I find myself smiling at strangers. Oddly enough, the more I feel seen, the more I want to be heard. For me that has been an aha moment. It has spoken straight to the place in me that believes I have a purpose. It has prompted me to share myself with others in a way I can’t when I am trying to be invisible.

Here is what I want you to hear. I belong. You belong. We all have a place. We all have a purpose. I am not pretending to have it all together. I am not magically cured of all habits that lead me to unhealthy places. I have felt the corner of freedom. I know, for sure, I want more of that. When I am not using every ounce of energy trying to be invisible, my energy can go to other things like doing what I was made to do. When I successfully accomplish that, my dreams feel more like goals and less like unattainable fantasies.

I feel like there is a lot more that could be said here, but I’m not a psychologist or a motivational speaker. I am just a wallflower with a new found voice. What is it that distracts you from your purpose? Where in your life do you misdirect your energy? What is your dream? What in life would a little freedom win back for you?