She was telling the story of an epic adventure with a friend when she noticed a tall stranger approaching the table. She glanced his way mid-sentence, then back to her dinner companions. Less than a second passed before she screamed, launched out of her seat, and propelled herself into the stranger’s arms. In that split-second the truth of who he was reached her consciousness. The stranger was her grandson that she had not seen in 5 years.

When we adopted our children 12 years ago, these were the stories we looked forward to. The scene above happened at dinner this past Thursday. We were out celebrating the birthday of our youngest daughter. The girls’ paternal grandmother was there. As a surprise, our daughter had invited one of her little brothers.

There are so many things about adoption that are difficult beyond explanation. We fostered and adopted 2 of a sibling group of 5. We committed to keeping all 5 siblings in contact with one another. The family that adopted the two youngest children chose not to maintain contact. That decision caused unspeakable heartache to multiple households.

Time has passed. The children are older and more independent. They reconnected with the two youngest children. The process has been difficult and as of this moment is not complete. Soon, however, they will be able to see one another freely. That will be a magical day… one we have awaited since the beginning.

For us, how to deal with the biological family has felt like a game of chess. The children were split across three homes. The biological family is local. We chose to maintain relationships, not only with the siblings but with extended family. At the same time, we have been careful to protect them from as much drama as possible. Families are complicated. Strategy was necessary.

I still cannot imagine just being ripped from my family. I also cannot imagine my own grandchild or niece being placed into foster care and cut off from me. In my opinion, it is too easy for a foster or adoptive parent to point a finger in judgment and summarily dismiss all members of the biological family.

We chose connection. We chose it for our children. It was not fun for us. It required work on our part. It required vetting. It required spending time with people we did not know and had little in common with. Our children, however, reaped the benefits. They gained the safety and security they needed from us without losing everything they had known previously. If I had to live it all over again, apart from taking all five children from the beginning, I would not change a thing.

As Grandma and Sibling 4 hugged for what seemed like forever on Thursday, I wanted to take a victory lap. I could have cried right there at the table. I wanted to shout, “Hell Yes!!” at the top of my lungs. A round of applause was most definitely in order. I did none of that. Instead, I sat there grinning from ear to ear and feasted my eyes on a precious, redemptive moment between grandmother and grandson.

I do not know how the story will playout for the 5 siblings. I imagine a day in the future when all 5 siblings are together with families of their own, laughing and enjoying one another. A lot of living still needs to take place. More victories need to be won. I will do everything in my power to support that outcome.

If you are thinking about becoming a foster parent or adopting an older child, check your motives. A lot of lip service is given to being a hero for a child who needs you. That is well and good, but there is much more to consider. When a family comes apart, the devastation is far-reaching. It often involves more than just one household. The story is theirs. You will just become a part of something already set into motion. If you really want to be the hero, plan to do what is best for them, not for you. Where you can safely involve relatives, do so.

Our girls are our family. They have a biological family too. They get to be part of both worlds and are better for it. Has it been tough, yes? I also realize every case is different. I am not advocating for throwing caution to the wind. I am simply asking for you to do the hard work for the benefit of the children in your care.

On Thursday I caught a glimpse of what I dream for my girls’ future. For me, that is what our journey is about. We adopted two children who needed us. We are an integral part of another family’s story. Our victory is their victory. We all win.