My preferences include small groups of people, quieter environments, and a complete lack of awkward conversation. Translation: I am a quiet loner. These preferences cause me inner turmoil. I struggle with the issue of wanting to feel seen and valued. How can we have our cake and eat it too in the realm of relationships with others?
I learned a long time ago to avoid trouble by following rules and irritating as few people as possible. I practice rule-following like an art form. Sometimes, though, the practice causes me trouble. The gym is the place I most often recognize the trouble.
So many days at the gym, I approach the whiteboard and my heart sinks. Heaps of dread fall heavy on my old body in anticipation of the work represented there in brightly colored dry erase marker. The battle begins fresh each day. I fight, sweat, and gasp for breath to complete a workout alongside people less than half my age. My workout typically looks a little different either in volume or activity. The experience humbles me.
A few years ago, I met a new girl at the gym. It turned out only a couple of months separates our ages. It felt amazing to have a same-age gym pal. The gym realm causes me so much internal turmoil. CrossFit can be for anyone but typically draws really young, athletic people. I am neither of those things anymore. I am in my 50th year, pasty and soft.
Not that long ago, I met another new person at the gym. She is in her seventies. She never ceases to amaze me. I want to be just like her when I grow up. Because she is new to the class environment, she regularly checks in with me before class to make sure she accurately grasps how the workout will go and to make sure she has the correct equipment gathered.
Just last week we had one of those conversations. It occurred to me to question internally why in the world she chooses to ask me instead of the very approachable and knowledgeable coach. Why ask the pasty, soft one?
I return to the topic of vulnerability again and again in conversation. No one enjoys feeling vulnerable. No one loves to feel out of place and set up to be embarrassed. Who do you seek out when you are feeling vulnerable? 100% of the time I choose someone I can identify with.
As I stood looking at the whiteboard recently, thankfulness overwhelmed me. My same-age gym pal stood at the back of the room. Though I felt dread concerning the workout to come, I also felt seen and understood by my friend. She waited patiently to gut it out alongside me. I smiled, knowing she feels the same way about me.
I knew at that moment why my new 70-something friend seeks me out with her questions. Vulnerability seeks vulnerability. We want to know someone like us will endure the difficult task alongside us. Sure, a coach, teacher, or mentor can and will answer questions, support, and encourage. It strikes different, though, when that person endures alongside. That level of understanding provides an unmatched level of support.
My next thought, that day, struck a new chord with me. Because I am soft and pasty, because my body needs me to perform the workouts not as written, because most of the time I finish dead last, I go there daily, struggling to feel seen and valued. The truth lies in the fact that those things make the community thrive. Our vulnerabilities, the ones we hide and cause us shame, are connecting points. Each of those women, and others there too, value me, and it has nothing to do with my performance. I value each of them because we show spandex-clad and ready to pursue health – no matter what version of the workout we end up doing.
We may and should share our successes. Most often, though, people connect easier over vulnerability. We will connect when all we can offer is a friendly smile and our willingness to walk through difficulties with others.
In Romans and I Corinthians, Paul writes that, like a human body, our communities are made up of many different people that possess different skills and abilities, but we all belong to each other and need each other.
I tend to give credence to only the best parts of myself. Maybe you track with that way of thinking as well. We stand to miss opportunities to be there for others when we hide the whole truth from each other. Only when we show up, perhaps even spandex-clad, and walk with others are we functioning the way God intended.
Romans 12:4-5 (CSB) 4 Now as we have many parts in one body, and all the parts do not have the same function, 5 in the same way we who are many are one body in Christ and individually members of one another.
I Corinthians 12:26 (CSB) 26 So if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it.