The hero always wins, right? We desperately want that to be the truth. We watch those movies and read those stories. Somewhere in the midst of it all, we start believing a very black and white narrative for how life should go for us too. Clean living leads to a full and blessed life. Wild living leads to squalor and despair. We can be a winner or loser, successful or needy, hero or villain, leader or follower, boss or subordinate, etc. If we got to choose, no one would pick the lesser of the two.

The problem we all face is that life is rarely black and white. Our real narratives happen in the gray. Instead of either-or, we get both-and. Our trajectories aren’t typically up and to the right but instead tend to be more roller-coastery looking – lots of ups and downs and often with sickening loopty loops.

The question, then, is how do we navigate the gray while wishfully clinging to a black and white mindset that is the stuff of fairy tales?

Desire

The announcement of recess co-announced my daily war between courageous achievement or defeat at the hands of my own inner voices.  In front of me whirled my object of affection, the colorful metallic blur at the back of the playground – the merry-go-round.  From my safe vantage point, just outside where those on the ground are running with all of their might, I thought, “Is no one else afraid to jump on?”

Success, in my 7-year-old mind, exists on the blue dot in the center. Spinning at top speed, hair blowing in my face while looking up at the blue sky equals success. Only the best and the brightest, the bravest among us, make it to the blue dot. I could always just go wait for an available swing, low risk, little reward, but the blue dot is calling.

That merry go round never seemed to stop. It was an endlessly spinning circle of merriment and I wanted to be in the middle of it. The unnerving part was it was no respecter of persons. I could summon the courage to join, or I could walk away in defeat. The merry-go-round never stopped so one could simply climb on and claim the sweet spot, uncontested. That was not how it worked on the playground, and it is not how it works in life.

The deciding factor always came down to the strength of my desire. How badly did I want the reward?

Effort

The merry-go-round stops only for the teacher’s whistle to line up. We don’t get that lucky in real life. Once we hit adulthood, we run without stopping until we run right through the gates of heaven. Life feels that way to me, anyway.

Life requires grit, and often a good deal of courage. We wait for an open handle, jump in, chug our little legs as fast as we can and jump on like the champions we are. Navigating the gray requires effort. The world spins by under blissful blue skies on some days. Other days, we watch from just outside, questioning our abilities, and battling our inner voices. Both are normal. Both are okay.

We gain, however, only what we work for.

Patience

My little body lurched forward as the open handle approached. My fingers found purchase and I prayed I wouldn’t eat dirt trying to keep speed long enough to jump on. Fear, more than anything else, propelled me. The clasp on my sandal went flying and my feet failed. Drenched from the puddle I was dragged through before my grip followed my feet, I walked inside with my teacher to clean up. Merry go round one, little Stef zero for the day.

The sandal died hard. My spirit sunk. On that day, effort found no reward. Bad days happen and sometimes they happen back-to-back. Because of this, reward requires patience. Each day brings a fresh opportunity to go for it.

I glare through narrowed eyes at the spinning blur. Yesterday’s disgrace hangs heavy on my conscience, but today I will be the victor. With the handle approach, I waste no time. With the resolve of a defensive tackle, I lunge for it. This time, with two strong steps I swing onto the platform with graceful ease. I own the blue dot today.  I will spin freely until the final whistle.

End Game

Recent conversations linger on my heart. Why is it so easy to be discouraged? Perhaps we all put too much stock in fairy tale plots.

We run through gray, but we run with goals. Our desire, effort, and patience will be key influencers in our outcomes. We have to consider our endgame while we run.

The merry go round lives in my remembrance. It spins at the top of my subconscious mind, reminding me that I can do anything. What is your merry-go-round?  What compels you to stay the course, come what may?