Another part of fostering that can certainly be complicated is that the children are local. Something we didn’t consider is, though the children are removed from the home, there is extended family to consider. Every case is different. In our case, there were both maternal and paternal extended family that wanted contact.

     Before children are placed in foster care, one of the first avenues pursued is family placement. In our case, there was no extended family immediately capable of taking in the children. There were several family members pursued hard by the agency, but ultimately it was determined that there weren’t any extended family that could take them. Like I said before, we weren’t a team with the agency. We chose to go off script in the area of extended family. I don’t necessarily recommend going off script. I think we got away with it because the agency we were working with was a hot mess express. Anyway, we were given the name and number of the girls’ grandmother. We talked to her and let the girls talk to her. We decided to make the effort to maintain the relationship. We also decided to maintain the relationship with an aunt. That was our choice. We had zero obligation to do so.

     We were also faced with how to maintain relationships with their siblings. Remember, there were 5.  At the point where family visits with the parents were less frequent, we chose to keep the children in relationship with their siblings. We were able to keep close ties to the brother that was between the girls in age. Unfortunately, because we were under no obligation, the family with the two youngest brothers chose to keep them away. That was probably the most hurtful outcome of the whole story.

     Every story is different. I know that maintaining relationships isn’t always what is right. My advice would be to do the work. Know your children and consider what will be best for them, not just you. Flash forward, we love the girls’ grandmother. We consider her part of the family, even though all these years later she still knocks on the door before coming in. We tell her repeatedly she doesn’t need to. She is a wonderful human being and what happened to the girls WAS NOT her fault. She intervened to the best of her ability but she had NO IDEA all that was going on in that home. And, our lives are blessed for knowing her. She is a hoot and I can’t imagine the girls not having her.

     It was not easy, and sometimes still isn’t, to have to deal with extended family. I wrote a blog a long time ago that you describes an early visit with extended family. It is super hard to interact with people that were part of your children’s lives before you knew them. We have ties to people but know of many more. We have encountered family members that we do not maintain relationships with for very real reasons. It is a choice and can be a mine field for the children. It is still a part of the process. Even if you chose not to maintain relationships, you still have to have an answer for the children when they ask.

     Also, because the girls’ were local, we have run into both biological parents in public. Thankfully, those instances were rare. On one occasion early on, Hubby Guy was in the store with the youngest, saw the biological mother, blocked the youngest from her, abandoned the cart and left the store.  He doesn’t think she saw them. WHEW! That is just another fun layer of what daily life looks like when you choose to be a foster parent. After they were adopted, we ran into their biological father in Walmart. We were shopping and the youngest looked up and said, “Mom, there’s Dad and he’s looking at us.” She wasn’t talking about Hubby Guy. On that occasion I asked if they wanted to talk to him and gave them permission to do so. It was fine. We have a working, yet distant relationship with him. It was still awkward.