Mother told me that I was a willful child. I was born marching to my own drummer and singing my own unique song. I never realized that for myself until my second brother was a toddler. All of a sudden he was in my business. In those days my older/twin brother and I were a package deal. With the addition of Greg, things went sideways. He followed us everywhere. He wanted to be doing whatever we were doing. It was cute for a couple of minutes then we were powerfully annoyed. As we aged and started growing into our personalities, our wonder-twin powers were replaced with what felt like a power struggle. We had a terrible odd-man-out dynamic between the three of us. I started spending more time alone. I am an introvert anyway, so I was fine with that. It was unsettling to me, but I was not old enough to have any deeper thoughts about why.

     Fourth grade brought radical change. Our family changed churches. I had gone to the same church since before I was born. We were there Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night. Our family participated in all available activities. Vacation Bible School had been the highlight of every single summer. I did not understand our departure. Us children were not told why and were likely too young to understand anyway. Much like when my younger brother was born, I remember not liking the change it brought. I had lots of thoughts about the move, but knew my opinion did not matter. That event is the first time I realized that sometimes decisions outside of my control get made that impact my life in big ways. I felt helpless.

     After eighth grade, my parents decided we were moving to a completely different town. With that, we would have to change schools. I had been at the same school since kindergarten. An offer was made on a different house. Our house went up for sale. Plans were made to enroll us in a different private school near the new house. Toward the end of the summer, after all the planning and getting used to the idea, it all fell apart. We wouldn’t be moving after all. And, to make matters worse, the decision was made to enroll us in public school. I was devastated. I was old enough to understand some of the whys, but also old enough to know that the decision was based on what was right for my older brother, not me. I felt betrayed. I started ninth grade on what felt like a different planet. I was angry. I remember looking forward to being old enough that no one could snatch the rug out from under me anymore.

     Freshman year of college brought more upheaval. I no longer had to wonder about the status of my parent’s marriage. It was over. It was a while before they no longer lived under the same roof. In the meantime, war was waged. That was an awful year. I hated every second of being at home. I had wanted to live on campus, but the decision was made for me to commute. I worked hard to make sure I only had to be there to sleep. When I could avoid that too, I did. I felt alone. I looked forward to getting out of that house. I thought once I was out on my own I could control my own sense of stability.

     Sophomore year of college started out on a great note. I transferred to a school an hour and a half away. I was finally in control, or so I thought. I had finally won freedom and the right to make my own decisions. That was the first year I was eligible to vote in a presidential election. I was super excited that November to cast my vote. Unfortunately, the candidate I voted for was not who won the election. I had newfound freedom but was suddenly aware of a whole new genre of decisions that could be made for me. That was the first time I remember feeling doomed.

     Change is inevitable, right? And, as much as some of us would like to be, we are not islands unto ourselves. Sometimes things will go our way, and other times they won’t. The challenge for each of us is what to do with all we feel. I, for one, would like to be able to pick a simpler time in life and just camp there. When I look back, though, there wasn’t a time in life without change. Every phase of life has come with its own set of troubles that felt large to me. My bet is that is true of you too.

     As I was writing these words, I was struck by how easily I was able to recall big, painful changes in life. It wasn’t hard to identify feeling unsettled, helpless, betrayed, angry, alone, and doomed. When in life have you felt these things? We all have. Maybe another thing we have in common is the feeling of wanting to be in control. The thing is – we will only be able to personally control a finite number of things. From there, we can advocate for ourselves in our families and we can be active in our communities to affect change. We can exercise our rights as citizens, but decisions outside of our personal control will be made that will impact our lives in big ways. That realization leaves me needing a definitive place of solace.

     For me, that place of solace is God. If you are not a believer or if God is a really foreign concept to you, I am not talking about a religion or a belief system. I am talking about a living being who has shown up for me repeatedly throughout life. I realize that is a bigger conversation. You will have to trust me on this one. For me, God has been the thing that remains the same, in the midst of all the changes. There is a song that has been such a help lately. It is called My God is Still the Same by Sanctus Real. In it he says:

When did He break His promise?
When did His kindness fail?
Never has, never will
My God is still the same
When did He lose His power?
When did His mercy change?
Never has, never will
My God is still the same, yeah

Not once did He ever stop moving
Not once has He ever let go
Not once did He ever stop proving
Our God is in control

     Those lyrics have definitely proven true in my life. The song has been a timely reminder.

     I do not know a single person right now who our cultural upheaval is lost on. This is one we are all feeling. Much is being said everywhere from the water cooler to the evening news. Just like other times of change and uncertainty in my life, I feel a lot. Everyone is feeling a lot. We think differently. We choose sides. We have lots of opinions. We all want peace. I am reminded, though, God is in control.